How to Use the Gottman Method for a Successful State of the Union Talk
If you are in a committed relationship, it can be challenging to bring up tricky topics that bother us without causing conflict. Most of us have very little communication training and often can end up getting angry, shutting down, or worse, erupting in a full-blown fight. But that's where the Gottman Method comes to our rescue! This world-renowned relationship counseling approach teaches us how to communicate with our significant other successfully, resulting in deeper connection, clarity, and conflict resolution. In this blog post, we'll share the steps to hold a State of the Union talk, a vital tool for clear communication in any committed relationship, using Gottman's framework.
Schedule a specific time for the talk
The first step to a successful State of the Union Talk is to choose a specific time that works for both partners, preferably when both parties are calm and relaxed. Ensure that there are no distractions like kids, phones, or the TV. Once you agree, plan for at least 45 minutes to an hour. You'll need adequate time to cover all the topics, avoid rushing, and compromising the quality of the talk.
Start with positive things
The Gottman Method encourages starting the State of the Union talk with positive things. You can share things that you appreciate in the relationship or even your partner's positive qualities. Focusing on things that are going well sets a positive tone for the discussion and helps both partners feel more open to listening and sharing.
Share your concerns gently and focus on I-statements
The next step is to mention a few things that have been bothering you. However, it's essential to express your thoughts and feelings gently and respectfully. Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements to avoid sounding accusatory or judgmental. For example, say "I feel hurt when you don't include me in your plans" instead of "You never include me in your plans."
Listen actively to your partner's perspective
After expressing your concerns, let your partner respond before you interrupt or counter their points. Listen actively to what they're saying, even if you don't agree. Avoid interrupting or becoming defensive if your partner shares concerns about your behavior. Remember, it's essential to understand your partner's perspective and take responsibility for your actions.
End the talk on a positive note
Finally, end the talk on a positive note by sharing what you learned from your partner, the insights you gained, and your willingness to work towards resolving issues. Remember, the goal of the State of the Union talk is to create deeper connection, build intimacy, and move forward as a couple. By wrapping up positively, you'll set the tone for a successful and fulfilling future in your relationship together.
Conclusion
The Gottman Method is a fantastic approach that can strengthen your relationship and deepen your connection with your partner. By using the State of the Union talk, you can avoid negative communication patterns, learn how to work through challenges together, and resolve conflicts. Remember to start with positivity, be gentle with your expressions, listen actively, and end on a positive note. With these steps, you can build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship with your partner.
